In an effort to become a better writer, and to start actually practicing what I preach, I’ve been trying to become more and more honest on facebook, which is probably a great idea for art, but a horrible fucking idea for real life, seeing as how I’m ridiculously horny lately and everything I post on here, including this sentence I’m in the middle of writing, is probably a bigger cock blocker than me walking into a party in an ‘I Heart Rape’ t-shirt and trying to explain the plot intricacies of ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ to females.
But I shall continue on in the hopes that it will make my craft better so that I can one day do what every artist dreams of doing – fucking the living shit out of a bunch of girls who are both out of my league and morally disgusting just to make up for what a massive sexless pussy I was in high school.
And that’s what I realized I haven’t really written about yet, the one area that permeates throughout my entire life and probably causes the most confusion for me and others: what is now close to becoming three decades of almost complete celibacy.
There are easy answers, harder answers, and sickening answers. An easy answer is that most areas of my life are approached with a potent mix of laziness and fear, with laziness being the stronger trait. It would be simple to attribute that to the ungodly amount of marijuana I consume, but looking back shows me a kid who always hated doing stuff, even before his dick was aware that it wanted to be shoved in something wet and feminine. Still, as I said, the easiest way to put it is that getting girls involves that terrifying word, EFFORT.
My god, it is EXHAUSTING making an effort to get a girl to like you. You have to come across as a confident man who is both fun to be around and very capable in the areas of knowing how to deal with women. It’s difficult for me to put this image out there because I have to, you know, lie to them, being as how I still squeal with joy at the toy aisles in Target, am trying to make a goddamn CAREER out of my insecurities, and my passionate interests include getting high and falling asleep in public places (Christ, it’s so comforting).
But it’s easy to take that route, and if this is supposed to be about truth and not comedy, then the above paragraph doesn’t really hold up. As I get older, I realize (brace yourself, I’m about to let out the confidence and it will be gross) how fucking awesome of a guy I am. I do have a ton to offer and I do truly believe that. In fact, lately I’ve been getting these swooning feelings of realizing just how powerful I could be, and the fear that goes along with that realization is immense. Truly ‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure’ is the greatest quote of all time. So if I do really grasp that, maybe it is still laziness? I know anytime someone tells me I’m good looking it just makes me think, with much bitterness, ‘So how come I don’t have girls after me all the time?’ Surely me being tall, dark, handsome, intelligent, passionate, and ridiculously talented (UGH PLEASE BRING BACK THAT GORGEOUS SELF-DEPRECATION!) and still completely sexless is a testament to our society’s need for the male to take control in order to have something happen? Therefore the answer truly would be this ‘roided-up laziness as every time I’m complemented on my looks I just want to scream ‘Yeah, but I was born with a fucking dick so nothing’s gonna happen! If I looked this good as a girl I’d be getting pounded like pizza dough six days a week while still not having to play this irritating role of in-control aggressor!’
Or maybe the laziness is too comforting and I’m afraid of saying I’m afraid. There is another aspect that confuses me, which is that when I’m attracted to a girl, it is unlike anything else on this planet. I often want to run up to my fellow males and scream ‘HOW IN THE FUCK ARE YOU DEALING WITH THESE GORGEOUS CREATURES WALKING AROUND?!’ Seriously, sometimes after a long day of a parade of ass filtering in at work, I feel like I either need to be locked up, or beat my dick like I think money’s gonna fly out just so I can think straight.
Anyway, the point is that it’s FUCKING HARD to find attractive girls. So many do nothing for me that when I do find one who catches my eye I just want to run over like a kid going up to Santa Claus and yell out ‘Holy fuck! How did this happen? How do you even look like this? Can I call your parents and thank them for this masterpiece? Look, you have to come with me right now so I can unleash years of pent up sexual and romantic passion on you! C’MON!’. There is nothing more Earth-shattering or disturbing for me than stumbling across a girl I’m attracted to. If I think you’re good looking, you’ve already won the war. There’s no hope for me of being able to do what society and female DNA requires me to do to make sure that I’ll actually be able to touch them. They’re already so high up on a pedestal that I’d have to shout game at them through a megaphone. The rest of you guys aren’t like this I guess?
The sad thing is these girls are all used to boyfriends and hook-ups that treat them like normal humans and speak in a way meant to induce that oh-so-important feeling, comfort. YOU WILL NEVER BE COMFORTABLE AROUND ME IF I LIKE YOU. SERIOUSLY, ASK ANY GIRL I’VE EVEN MILDLY CRUSHED ON. I MADE THEM FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE AS FUCK. Maybe one of you reading this now has even experienced it. It was awful, huh? But the up shoot is that you would never be so adored and showered with infatuation and passion as you would be with me. Pretty sure I could have you feeling like the sexiest goddess on the face of the Earth if you spent some time alone in a room with me (I believe, from a few things she said, that I did that for my much lamented girl, and this is probably a good time to point out that there is joyful, horny infatuation, and there is love. The first I can give to any girl I’m attracted to with an intensity that would make you think it is love, the second I’m extremely selective about and take VERY seriously as something meaningful and intimate). But I won’t get the chance to because I won’t be able to act proper.
But yeah, to any girl out there, past, present, or future, that I dig: you are a fucking goddess and whomever you’re with is probably only with you because he knows how to present himself in a way that doesn’t make him seem like you’ll end up in a basement in chains, surrounded by candid Polaroid snapshots of yourself with the eyes cut out plastered on the walls, which I’m certain is what turns girls off when I walk up to them literally shaking with lust and excitement. JUST LET ME TOUCH YOU. It will be awesome and I promise all my horrific and vulgar misogyny is only a creative device to make rap songs more intense and theatrical (and, of course, to vent sexual frustration. Yes, armchair psychologist feminists, you’re totally right. THAT’S the reason for those type of lyrics).
But I digress into my much loved hyperbole and am probably drifting away from the point of this: honesty. Let’s get into those sickening answers.
It’s possible that I just cannot get over my hatred of game because it paints girls as brainless dogs completely controlled by their DNA, robbed of any sort of free will. I’m sure this is warped thinking, but it’s not the game that offends me, it’s the fact that girls go for it. I, and I think lots of other guys, will FLIP SHIT over a girl who laughs off game as an idiotic attempt at getting her and doesn’t fall for it at all. But seeing as even animals who can’t talk have courtship rituals, I feel this is a sickening excuse as I may be going against nature itself (and maybe going back into laziness: why should I have to talk a certain way?).
The really, truly sickening answer, which is a possibility, is that as an artist, and a disciple of Andy Kaufman, I’ve always looked for ways to be truly different. You can’t get any weirder or different than never going after girls. Sometimes I fantasize about getting famous and not using it to fuck anyone, ever, until humans’ brains are turned to pulp trying to fathom how anyone could be like that, being forced into thinking I’m a closeted homosexual because THEY SIMPLY CAN’T GRASP THE IDEA OF SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T HAVE SEX. OH GOD, HOW ASHAMED I AM TO SAY HOW MUCH THAT IDEA TURNS ME ON. TRULY, PATHETICALLY DIFFERENT.
Or it’s possible that all of that is just fun to write and the overtly simple reason is that I’m an old-fashioned sweetie pie of a guy who truly wants to experience love before he engages in that act with someone. I mean, IT’S FUCKING ENTERING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING’S BODY! HOW THE FUCK COULD THAT EVER BE THOUGHT OF AS CASUAL YOU FUCKING DISGUSTING HEATHENS?! HAVE YOU NO MORALS? IF A STRANGER WALKS UP TO YOU AND PUTS THEIR FINGER IN YOUR MOUTH ARE YOU NOT GROSSED OUT AND DISTURBED?! THEN WHY ENTER SOMEONE’S BODY OR LET SOMEONE IN YOURS AFTER JUST ONE NIGHT OF KNOWING THEM??? WHY?!
Ah, but that kind of talk smacks of sickening elitism and is just plain ugly. Point that anger inward, Jason, never at others. It’s just wrong. While it did devolve, once again, into my beloved hyperbole, the original point may be true. Sex, to me, is just way too personal and intimate and that’s why to this day I’ve only been with one girl, a girl I feel such a deep sense of caring for that it’s more painful than having to sit in a crowded bar around drunk people (don’t open up that overused rant you little jerk).
Either way, I must apologize to both you, my facebook audience, and my penis, because these type of posts will not stop. As a writer, they are just too juicy, even if they do ruin any chance of me getting to know better the handful of girls on my friends list I like (aw, how sweet, he said ‘get to know better’ instead of ‘fuck’). Of course, to worry about that would be to assume, quite narcissistically, that any of them actually sat and read all of this bullshit.
So I’m probably safe.