Crack Baby – Why I Despise the Existence of Women


“I think anybody who falls in love is a freak. It’s a crazy thing to do. It’s kind of like a form of socially acceptable insanity.” – Her

I’d like to alter the above quote from the brilliant movie ‘Her’ – I think that interacting with other humans romantically or sexually is, like alcohol, a socially acceptable (and more so than that, encouraged) form of drug use.

As I’ve entered my 30′s and make no indication that finding a mate is even on my mind at all (besides using it as catalyst for endless opportunities to write), I’ve been treated to hearing my mother’s worries about why I’m not with someone.  She told me to not wait until I’m 40 to try and find a girlfriend or I’ll have no idea how to deal with a woman.

I’m thinking, ‘How the hell is that my problem?’

It’s indicative of the social pressure put on both human beings to have someone to be normal and males to take the lead. I find it hysterical that there is a booming industry based entirely on teaching males how to conform and adapt to the way they’re supposed to be in order to be attractive to women. Across the globe, men are shelling out tons of their hard earned money in order to take pick-up classes that demystify the pursuit of those with vaginas. Where’s the class that teaches women how to deal with me?

How To Date Jason Ellsworth: Lesson One – Shutting the Fuck Up While Hip-Hop is Playing

It is, of course, an idea that can be looked at as nothing but comedy, but I think it nicely shows my disinterest with having to be a certain way in order to attract attention. I don’t care what women want. Females have been ruining my life since 7th grade, the year when that annoying and utterly useless piece of flesh that dangles between my legs decided to pop its own sexual version of mushrooms and become conscious, endlessly tormenting me with its stupid, primal desires.

Before then all I needed was lots of toys and my imagination. Then all of a sudden girl’s breasts start popping out and now I’m shuffled into the ‘geek’ category for not having the skills to convince one of them to let me touch them. Ever since then, a stigma has hung over me and anyone else who hasn’t taken this mandatory rite of passage. Ever since then I’ve had to deal with the question, ‘Why don’t you date?’, as if the answer wasn’t blindingly obvious to anyone who’s had the experience of diving into the terrifying pool of human interaction.

It’d be one thing if I had a choice. I chose to start doing drugs. I chose to come to Los Angeles and pursue a career in entertainment. But, contrary to the belief of religious fucktards, sexuality isn’t a choice. Rather, it is biological terrorism as puberty kicks in hard and makes you have less of a shot of escaping a drooling addiction to these things than a newborn crack baby. Why should I look at my urge for sex and romance as any different than my urge to take a shit? They’re both things that, as a human, I simply can’t avoid.

This isn’t misogyny. This is just the rant of a man who’s tired of being looked at as a freak for actually wanting to get clean. They all applaud when I say I’m going to stop smoking marijuana, and yet look at me sad, confused and doubtful when I say I want nothing to do with women. But why? Trust me when I say I’ve seen friends throughout the years for whom the lust for women, either hook ups or relationships, is a real problem, and, furthermore, I promise you that you’ve never experienced anything like the peace I get from entirely dismissing the whole pursuit altogether.

As Mr. Marley once said, ‘No woman, no cry.’ And besides, if I am going to go running into the arms of something, I’d much rather have it be Bob’s muse, the sweet Mary Jane, than a female.

After all, the blunt doesn’t make me prove that I’m confident enough before it lets me hit it.

Valentine’s Day Belongs to the Lonely or: Why I’m Already Living My Dream


There’s a great scene in Judd Apatow’s extremely underrated ‘Funny People’ where Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen’s characters are riding together in a limo to a function where Sandler’s character will be performing. Sandler plays a mega-successful and now jaded comedy superstar, with Rogen as the struggling unknown comic who is hired to write for him. Bouncing around with gleeful energy in the backseat of the limo, Sandler’s character notices how excited he is and observes,  “That’s good. It’s good to be excited. I used to be excited.” This brief exchange speaks volumes about actually realizing your dreams.

Valentine’s Day has always been an interesting holiday for me. I’ve never truly had a girlfriend, and when I did it was long distance and undefined to a degree. So mostly, the only experience I have is getting something for a girl I was crushing on or wanted to make mine. What I’ve come to learn over the years is that this is probably the best Valentine’s Day experience possible.

A holiday to celebrate love that offers an endless supply of heart-shaped candy boxes and giant stuffed pink gorillas is, of course, ripe for jest. My brain immediately jumps to righteous indignation over companies telling us to express our love by spending money, and it’s sort of become a way to rally the single people together, who have given it the nickname ‘Singles Awareness Day’, a name whose acronym, ‘SAD’, is either a bit of coincidental or intentional brilliance.  And those are the exact people I want to talk about, the ones for whom this holiday evokes sadness or loneliness, because I believe they are the people this holiday is actually for.

You see, when people are alone, I feel they often think that those who have somebody will be constructing this grand spectacle, a temple built in the name of pure love and the joy that accompanies it, with images of rose-covered beds, champagne and soft music dancing through their heads like sugarplums in children’s minds on Christmas Eve. The day becomes a ticking clock in their mind (perhaps they’ll even make a mad dash to find someone to be with specifically for that day), and they will, in general, bemoan having to put up with it.

But I feel like for many people, and this comes from both a gut feeling and actually talking to people in relationships, Valentine’s Day is just simply another day lost in the shuffle. Married people may not even have time to think about it as errands and their kids take precedence, as per usual, and couples who already spend every day enjoying each other’s company may find it pointless to express it more on this one designated day. This is not to say there’s no couples out there who treat the day as a nice little excuse to be romantic, and genuine kudos to those who do, but I really feel like when you’re actually established as being with someone, it’s just not that big of a deal.

The lonely folks to whom this holiday belongs are just like the unknowns out here in Hollywood, those intrepid explorers wandering through the fame jungle, looking for that golden discovery at the end of the safari.

I can tell you this from buckets of personal experience – when you are still unknown, the idea of making it, of being accepted into the industry, is looked at as something akin to the way religious people look at getting into heaven. Actually, ‘akin’ may be the wrong word. They seem like completely congruent quests -the chasing of some fantastical palace that has grown to unheard of levels of splendor in your mind.

I have many times heard a successful, famous person say something to the degree of ‘The most interesting time was when I was struggling to make it and didn’t know what was going to happen.’ I believe this to be true. I still have my eyes cast forward into the future, but the struggle is, no joke, genuinely fun (and yes, while I still wouldn’t call it poverty, I have experienced literally not having enough money to eat, so I’m not just referring to a romanticized version of struggling, although I’m sure kids in Africa would beg to differ).

The validation that comes from mainstream cultural acceptance will always be a thrill as entertainer types are pretty consistently heavy on the ego, but I have to believe that many of them end up like Sandler’s character from the opening paragraph: jaded once the ‘magical palace’ is revealed to be – gasp! – just another job. Getting paid to do what you love is amazing, but the bullshit that goes along with being a part of the Hollywood system really seems, to put it in vulgar terms, to suck dick.

So the truth is I (and you, my fellow starving artists) need to realize that we are, on many levels, already living the dream. We may be missing money (yes, yes, a big component you realistic fucks) and fame (a horrible illusion, the drug we can’t not crave), but if you’re out there trying to get your art, your passion discovered, you, my friend, are enjoying something most people will never know.

I remember one time in 12th grade, laying on the floor of my suburban home bedroom, writing out a card to a girl I was crushing on. I specifically remember Eminem’s ‘Stan’ playing in the background, which nicely set the tone as my shallow ass thought I was writing to someone I genuinely knew, when, in reality, I was probably just going ape shit over her ridiculously pretty face.

But you know what? In the end, that experience was laced with more magic than actually being with her ever would be. Again, I’m not saying you can’t be with someone and feel the idealistic buzz on this holy corporate day of love, but there will always be that fantastical element to that which you do not have, or, to make good use of cliches, the grass is always greener….you know the rest.

So as Valentine’s Day creeps around the corner once again, I say to you, my fellow single people, and to you, the lonely ones out there – don’t let it get to you. It’s basically the Hollywood dream condensed into one day, a potentially fun ritual, but one that will always dissipate when you actually get past the smoke and mirrors. If you are lonely, this is truly your day. People who’ve been together forever are just passing out on the couch, probably even forgetting what day it is, jaded and bored superstars whose brains may tingle at the thought of when they were still hungry, looking for that one who would change everything. Revel in that hunger you feel!

Now, let’s all go out and buy ourselves one of those oversized pink gorillas. They make good cuddle buddies.